$TUDY YOUR WAY TO $UCCE$$!

With the current climate of contraception rollbacks, the most terrifying statement your college-attending daughter or son can make is: “Mom, dad….I’m……………majoring in political science.”

Instantly gone are the dreams of your off-spring as the next Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos, Richard Branson, Oprah Winfrey, Dr. Salk or Dr. Pepper. No, with a Poli Sigh degree the chances are your son or daughter won’t be heading the next Google or Hewlett Packard, performing neurosurgery, or genetically engineering an apple, such as Ann Coulter’s adam’s apple.

I majored in Political Science, the most popular major of the Boomer Generation with its prestigious-sounding name. But no one ever called me a political scientist. That was the first disappointment with the major, shared by friends who majored in other social sciences like sociology, anthropology, and psychology. They, too, were never called political scientists.

The only positive I can say about Political Science was its stability: I could always count on being unemployed.

Recently, I’ve decided after my brief career as a colonic therapist (see: Tygerpen, Aug. 5, 2009, “Cleaning Up in a New Career”) to not only shamelessly market my blog, but once again to change careers. I am now formally an ornithologist (from the Greek “orno” and “theology”, the worship of Orno, the largest island in the southern half of the Stockholm archipelago, situated just north of the island of Uto.)

This career change didn’t happen overnight. Far from it. No, I decided to become an ornithologist two weeks ago and after applying for and completing the degree in Ornithology, I received my diploma a week later.

That’s the beauty of modern technology. If you’ve been fruitlessly hunting in this anemic job market, you can change your career, even to an in-demand field, by going back to school and taking all classes online. That’s right. You can Google “online colleges and majors” and an unlimited number of helpful websites will appear. One of my favorites, onlinedegreeshub.com, gives a meticulous analysis of the advantages of college courses online:

  • “Online degree courses are very much cost effective. Benefits of online education is so vast that can not be listed.”
  • “The online learning programs are real fast by nature.”
  • “Online study materials are accessible anytime. So, get your degree without bothering much.”

The site also explains that certain criteria are used to rank the online degrees:

  • “Some of these judging pillars are graduation rate, financial aids, retention rate, student-faculty ratio and some others.”

In reviewing the site’s listing of degrees for online majors, I was nearly overwhelmed by the choices. Among others:  Astrophysics, Neurology, Medicine, Molecular Biology, Thermodynamics, Aerodynamics and Nuclear Physics.

Nuclear Physics, my alternative to an Ornithology Degree, promised that after completion of the Online Nuclear Physics Degree program, I could obtain the degree and “documents with the University stamp right at one’s doorstep.”  Between the two degree programs, I choose Ornithology because I didn’t like the idea of my degree and documents being left at my doorstep.

Although onlinedegreeshub.com doesn’t specifically list which online college offers the Ornithology (or even the Nuclear Physics) degree, at least I could, in the website’s words, “study at your own pace and complete the degree…only when you feel confident about yourself.”

After a week I was confident.

I can hear you jealous detractors out there claiming this is a diploma mill that sells unaccredited college degrees without requiring students to do college-level work. I won’t address this absurd accusation. Without onlinedegreeshub.com and similar sites, I wouldn’t be one of the only (if not THE only) degreed ornithologists in the United States. Not even Cornell University (at least $60,000 per year) with its famous Cornell Lab of Ornithology offers an Ornithology degree—-just biology or zoology scientists watching a bunch of birds flying around, cataloging them, and determining which eggs of a species make the best omelets.

Another plus: online programs don’t discriminate on the basis of race, religion, or gender. Virtually anyone is eligible to apply. In 2004 Colby Nolan was awarded an MBA degree (with a 3.5 GPA) by Trinity Southern University of Dallas, Texas after paying only $100 toward the degree—-an enormous savings. In 2010 Chester Ludlow of Vermont was awarded an online MBA degree from Rochville University after Chester submitted his resume and $489 to the University, and received an express packet from a post office box in Dubai.

The University didn’t care that Colby was a housecat and Chester a pug dog. Because THIS IS AMERICA, where an online universal education enables cats and dogs to obtain their degrees or certifications in hypnotherapy, nutrition, estate valuation, criminal justice, childhood development and even medicine.

And at last I have a job!  In my role as ornithologist, I’ll be meeting with city government officials to persuade them to place speakers of recorded bird chirpings throughout their communities. This project is based on the experience of the Lancaster, California’s mayor who brought bird recordings from England and played them for ten months in over 70 speakers, five hours a day. The mayor claims bird song and music calmed his citizens by fine-tuning brain chemicals and resulted in a 6% crime reduction. (In related news, the mayor of Lancaster, California was found beaten last month, his head erupting from a used Bose speaker.)

I know this is a difficult assignment, meeting with the civic officials. But I’ll be scholastically prepared: I’m applying tomorrow for other online degree programs to run concurrently: Psychology, Criminal Justice, and Medicine. Also possibly Music Theory.

What’s hardest is the length of time this all takes: maybe three or even four weeks to get my diplomas after I apply for the degree programs. You know how slow the post office is.

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7 responses to “$TUDY YOUR WAY TO $UCCE$$!

  1. Pingback: $TUDY YOUR WAY TO $UCCE$$! | Tygerpen | Change Careers

  2. Brilliant satire.

    Bill Allen

  3. Thanks, Bill! I hope you will look into the online programs. I understand there is a special this week on the “Online Chemical Engineering” degree.

    XXXXX Tygerpen

  4. Great, Trudi! Good to be reminded that America is still the land of almost unlimited educational opportunity!
    Sally Tubach

  5. No kidding. Have you applied for your online French History, Culture, Cuisine and Medicine doctorate?

    XXXXXX T

  6. Judith Moorman

    As always, reading your articles makes me laugh! So, what will you think of next? I’ll stay tuned.

    • Judith, I’m so glad you’ve been studying the “Study Your Way to Success” method. I’m also sending you under separate cover (the cover separates) pamphlets from The Online School of Earth Science because you expressed an interest in degrees in either Helmintology or Oligochaetology. I admire people who take online degrees in Worm Studies. (You’ll need to select between the earthworm or parasitic worms.) I’m sure you’ll find it’s an open field! Personally, I think you should major in Helmintology because pronouncing Oligochaetology may dislocate your jaw.

      Warmest wishes.
      Tygerpen XXXXX

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