Tag Archives: toilets

A MOVING EXPERIENCE – TEN AXIOMS OF MOVING TO A NEW RESIDENCE

1. Whatever is the most important to you will be missing at the new destination.

2. If a previously-owned home, condo or apartment, on your arrival the following will occur: the sink disposal will not turn on or be defective and/or sound like someone getting mutilated therein; the garage light will blow out; the upper deck wooden rails will be loose and dangerous unless you want to practice arm curls; the back wooden gate will be impossible to open because of warping and/or a broken lock; none of the bedrooms will have a ceiling light so plan to work on/in them only until sundown unless you get ASAP lamps or torchiers; the refrigerator will be smaller than the last place (and diminishes each time you move); the stairs/stairwell, if you have them, will be narrow; pantries/linen/clothes closets may be nonexistent or smaller than the previous place (see “refrigerator” above); storage space, although appearing to be greater because of any high-ceilings will actually be proportionately smaller, requiring bottles and containers to be squished against each other and will always fall domino-style when you need to reach into (eg) a cupboard.

3. The daily newspaper will not appear despite a change of address.

4. All microwaves operate differently at each residence.

5. Half of all former residents seem to prefer the garage to be the laundry room.

6. Shower stalls will uniformly be from the original construction of the house or give a good imitation of that, including sufficient mildew/mold or rust [eg, door hinges] for your child’s Science Fair project on “Household Toxic Growth.”

7. In California kitchens must be smaller with each successive move. (See “refrigerator” and “pantry/linen closet” above.)

8. Toilets provided in the residence must be in size suitable for, and no taller than, a pre-school child. When an adult is seated, his/her knees will be well above the chest. The toilet seat itself will be designed for children under five and made of flexible plastic that bows on pressure to ensure near contact with water in the bowl.

9. There are no real “Garages.” There are only (esp. in California) large, separate, unheated rooms with concrete floors, spiderwebs, wooden boards and hot water heaters that are apparently for excess storage but mostly offer a couple of shelves and a vast central emptiness that will be filled with boxes of undetermined contents, empty boxes, boxes of old business papers or tax records, and miscellaneous tools, nails, screws, nuts, bolts, lightbulbs, arachnids and mud-covered garden implements. (See also # 5.)

10. Utilities: Your telephone, electric power (or gas), water or internet connection can’t be turned on because (a) a work order is required; (b) it’s a holiday/weekend/after 5:00 p.m. If you do have water, it’ll taste much worse with each successive house; if you have cable TV, your screen will show a blue screen with the writing– “One moment please.” “One moment please” will last for two weeks.

10(a). The axioms will be missing and no longer stocked at Home Depot.

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