Reform School

While the politicians are bashing each other in Washington, D.C. over healthcare reform, a little known incident occurred at UC San Diego’s School of Medicine that underscores the inequities of our healthcare system. I know this because I found online a colored photo of a gold-masked Egyptian mummy being rolled into a six-slice CT scanner.

A team of cardiologists and Egyptologists had carefully scanned 22 mummies from the Museum of Egyptian Antiquities. Each mummy was at least 3200 years old. The doctors and researchers found that more than half of the mummies had cardiovascular disease. The co-investigator of the study, cardiologist Dr. Michael Miyamoto said, “Our findings remind us of the value of preventative medicine.”

The mummy study demonstrated that healthcare is already available to every American man and woman if they only wait long enough.

I can hear your protests now: why should Egyptian mummies have better healthcare than the American public? Our Congressional leaders have discussed that issue as I discovered in my recent review of the news.

John Boehner, the current Republican house minority leader, interviewed in Mother Jones Magazine: “The Republican healthcare plan, when we have time to knock one out, focuses on innovative wellness programs to help avoid serious and costly illnesses. All that’s required for those Egyptian mummies is end-of-life care. That’s it. Just a little hand-holding and some Tylenol. Under our planned plan, this means great savings for the typical American taxpayer who, by contrast, has a shitload of pre-existing conditions.”

He added “Imagine how long those mummies would’ve waited for their CT scans if there’d been a public option. They would’ve been dead by now. Those mummies show what we mean by death panels.”

Harry Reid, interviewed on FOX news, angrily stated “Look who funded the mummies’ CT Scans. Siemens Healthcare and the National Bank of Egypt. Once again an international mega-corporation and financial institution control who gets good healthcare: Mummies– the wealthiest old patients. Do you know how much those mummies are worth, individually? Of course they could afford the best American healthcare. Talk about rationing of care!”

Boehner, quoted in Ms. Magazine: “Harry, there you go again. The mummies’ CT scans were actually done in Egypt. By outsourcing our healthcare in this way, costs are substantially lowered. What difference does it make if your prostate exam is performed in Pakistan rather than Peoria?”

“What you’re saying is nonsense, Mr. Minority Leader,” Harry Reid stated, speaking before the World Clown Association. “You claim there shouldn’t be unnecessary medical tests. So why did those mummies undergo prostate exams?”

“I’d like to interject something here,” said Senator Joe Lieberman, addressing the International UFO Congress. “I was in favor of the mummies receiving the CT Scans. Then I was opposed to the mummies receiving the CT Scans. Now I’m inclined to favor a motion to proceed to oppose a motion to favor a filibuster to oppose a motion to favor or proceed to permit the mummies continuing to be part of our healthcare system, but I expect to vote against my vote.”

“Joe, it’s time to take your pills,” Hadassah Lieberman said to her husband, during an interview with Vanity Fair’s reporter Leslie Bennetts in the November issue.

“Harry Reid can’t get beyond the liberal pressures from his party,” House Minority Leader John Boehner stated to attendees at the National Association of Cat Therapists. “While it’s true we’re against paying for healthcare for foreign people, these Egyptian mummies will not be emigrating to the United States. No sir. For humanitarian and research purposes, America examined and treated them in Egypt. We’ll give them palliative, end-of-life care. And if they ever die again, we’ll make sure they’re given another proper burial in some cave.”

“As Senate Minority Leader, I want to thank John, the House Minority Leader, for his wise words,” said Mitch McConnell, as reported by Brian Ross of ABC news, covering the annual convention of the Goldfish Society of America. “Because I’m Senate Minority Leader, it’s my job to see that healthcare reform is possible by not passing healthcare reform. I know John’s been saying the same thing. And I know he’ll keep speaking out about this in the other House, where he belongs. As the Senate Minority Leader, I urge you to remember the most important thing about healthcare reform: I’m the Senate Minority Leader.

Harry Reid, in a recent article in Glamour Magazine: “I’d like to see how John Boehner would like it if he didn’t have our Congressional health insurance plan, and finally developed skin cancer from all his tanning booth sessions.”

Interviewed by Beauty Editor Alyssa K. Hertzig of Allure Magazine, John Boehner stated “Harry Reid just doesn’t get it, when it comes to healthcare. Just like he doesn’t get that my skin tone is my natural color. When I was born November 17, 1949, that day there was a high level of geomagnetic storms and solar activity—you can look it up—so my skin tone is a result of that exposure. I am permanently bronzed. What right does Harry Reid have to bring my skin color into this discussion on healthcare? He looks like he posed for Grant Woods’ American Gothic. All he needs is a pitchfork.”

“Whatever.” (Harry Reid, quoted in Playboy Magazine, November 2009.)